Pregnancy in a time of chaos

I think pregnancy tests the minds strengths in many ways, particularly the ability to remain calm when preparing for a natural birth. I mean, I can’t think of anything comparably significant than the  absolute idea of birthing a baby for the first time. We all have to prepare ourselves for so many events in life, but this one surely takes the cake. Mothers are birthing all over the world every second, but to experience the physical and emotional elements of pregnancy day in day out myself, sure is something like no other. 

On my early morning barefoot wanders next to the ocean with my big belly out, I often wonder what passerbys think of a pregnant woman in the times of a global pandemic. I hope that they don’t feel pity for her, but rather that they think she is a strong and brave woman. It would be easy to fall into a victim mindset if I allowed myself to go there. Especially as circumstances tug the mind in undesirable directions. 

The truth is, there are so many women right now who have had the rug pulled frompregnancy during COVID underneath them during these mad times. Their birthing plans have been forcefully altered, losing their key support people that were to be present on their big day. Some birth centres have closed their doors to mothers with bulging bellies, and instead welcomed those to test for COVID. I thought my birth space was the last thing that could be touched. Currently we can only have one person present at birth, some countries won’t even allow for that. 

The thought of birthing without my partner makes me shudder. Women are rebelling and considering home births, or free-births, without any medical assistance at all, just to avoid the harsh changes within the trappings of the medical system, not to mention the high risk of exposure to the virus in a hospital setting. The usual post-birth train of close friends and relatives visiting the newborn are just not possible in these times. I could never have imagined having that taken away.

Every pregnancy has its challenges and I’m certain every mother tries her best to do what is right for her unborn child, including correct nutrition, avoiding known substances that might harm their baby, sleeping only on her side and keeping the mind as pure as possible. To name a few. But even going to the grocery store has become a rather stressful event in ensuring healthy food is available at home. My need for control has taken on a new level. Surely I’m not too alone in that, as we each do our best to get by with the restrictions in place, set by stronger powers. 

I felt I was doing pretty well in gathering my little tribe of woman together prior to the time I found out I was pregnant. I miss them all and wish we could see one another at a time I need them the most. My mum. She is battling rounds of chemo right through all of this. Her immunity is so low that it becomes too big of a risk to be in contact. Besides being on the other side of a policed border. My dad who was due to visit from NZ won’t get to see me pregnant, at least not this time around. While it sounds like a cruel punishment has been handed down on, I know there will be so much goodness to come out of this and I can’t let my mind collapse. 

I was thinking the other day how much of a unique time it is to be bringing life into a world that has in essence, been forced to hit the reset button. By the time our baby is old enough to start comprehending bits and pieces of life, things would have irreversibly changed about the way we live our lives, where others will be kind to perfect strangers and the air in which we breathe is once again pure. I know this baby will be much needed medicine not just for their mumma and their pappa, but for so many who are struggling in these times. After all, we must all remember the delicate dance of life and death. 

Slaying dragons- The toxic characters of our lives

It can naturally be very easy for us to hold grudges about past relationships that have turned sour. The realisation that the person you loved so dearly, was capable of unforgivable acts can be a painful pill to swallow. And one that I’m sure we all have the joy of experiencing. At least once in this lifetime. However, with forgiveness and time, comes a much deeper understanding as to why they crossed your path, even if they left an initial trail of destruction.

Recently I wrote about a two month trip in French Polynesia (here). It was a time where I shrewdly ignored many red flags, which ultimately exposed me to some much bigger dangers. A time where my heart wasn’t ready to be handed over, but I did so anyway.

I found myself encountering some unsavoury characters, while based on a very remote island somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  Unfortunately, one of those characters had hijacked a piece of my heart, which bit by bit I took back rightful possession of. Right before abandoning him somewhere in the archipelago.

I learnt a lot about the law of attraction. Where bad guys attract, well, even badder guys. I also learnt that while paradises can exist before your eyes, living nightmares can french polynesiaco-exist in that very same space.

When these people come into your life, it can be a mind numbing experience attempting to find any feasible explanation of a reason why. Why you deserved the treatment. When you know you’re a good person that innocently just wants to find love.

It can’t be that hard can it?’ and ‘why me?’ can be the beginning of a series of very dangerous thought patterns that invoke victimhood. A pattern that needs to be avoided at all costs.

Why did I meet them? I learnt the hard way not to look for answers immediately, but rather to trust that an eventual realisation will come my way. Perhaps months, if not years down the track. In the meantime, you need to take advantage of an important period where you can give yourself the love that others cannot.

My big realisation came about after a certain area of my mind was tickled, while writing65169_10151137360180168_400812489_n the above article about my time in French Polynesia.

without my involvement in a particular surf project, my dreams to travel to this part of the world, would continue to remain unfulfilled.”

It was the first time I ever really appreciated that crossing of paths. Any negative emotions that had been lying dormant, towards that particular person, was replaced with a feeling of gratitude. And it seemed to fit much more nicely with my spirit. While the dormant emotions did not pass my thoughts for a very long time, it was still a part of my heart that needed to be cleared.

And then today another realisation washed over me.

If I never had met him, I never would be spilling these words onto this page for you to read”.

Because I would never experience what it’s like to work on my writing business from anywhere in the world. That business idea wasn’t even a possibility in my mind until he mentioned it while we were together.

My experience would be dubbed a ‘light bulb moment’ but I think we need to extract every element of cliché about it, for these thoughts hold a lot of power. I couldn’t shake my spine-tingly moment even if I tried. And the timeline for that realisation I had today? Almost two years in the making.

These are the realisations that have the potential to shape the most vibrant futures, where dreams can be fulfilled in their entirety. These moments are not mediocre events. In the end it is the destroyer of hearts that must face their own darkness.